The Jersey List

NFL fans need an intervention.  If it were not already abundantly clear that getting a player's jersey is a dangerous proposition, the Adrian Peterson and Ray Rice cases should make it obvious.  I recently saw a Redskins' Donovan McNabb jersey at a consignment sale.  Skins fans should probably avoid jerseys of their quarterbacks for a while.

So, if you had to get a jersey of one player for your team, who would it be?  Here are our requirements:

1. The player was cool.  Bonus points for a cool name.
2. The player was great.  Bonus points for being great for your position.  A great left tackle is more historically significant than a good quarterback.
3. The player is retired.  Sure, that Matt Ryan jersey looks like a good bet now.  But just watch him go to the Saints and torch you.  (And yes, some of the people on this list played for multiple teams.  But those wounds can fade with time.  You don't want to own a current player's jersey if he's on another team.  Odds are he'll beat your team and you'll be staring at his jersey in your closet in shame.)
4. The player is probably not going to do anything horrific or embarrassing in retirement.  This can range from the Marvin Harrison tragedy to the ongoing absurdity that is Terry Bradshaw.
5. The player had to play in the team's current city.  You're representing your hometown here.  If you're an Indianapolis Colts fan with a Johnny Unitas jersey, you're a poser.

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys: Roger Staubach
Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith, and Michael Irvin have not exactly distinguished themselves in their broadcast careers.

New York Giants: Harry Carson
LT has been forgiven for a lot, but there is way too high a likelihood he'll be involved in a shooting at some point.  As for Carson, no less an authority than Bill Belichick said he was the greatest all-around linebacker he ever coached.

Philadelphia Eagles: Randall Cunningham
His career was plagued by injuries, but he was one of the most electrifying players ever.  Plus you've got a cool name and throwback uni.

Washington Redskins: Darrell Green
Redskins fans suffer from a lot of embarrassment.  You want a jersey that will exemplify excellence on the field and dignity off it.  You want Darrell Green.  (Who, by the way, supports a name change for the team.)

NFC North

Chicago Bears: Walter Payton
Don't overthink it.

Detroit Lions: Barry Sanders
I'm assuming that if you're a Lions fan, you would have gotten over the heartbreak of Sanders' retirement enough to celebrate the guy who may have been the greatest running back of all time.  You have gotten over it?  Right?

Green Bay Packers: Paul Hornung
He was the Paul Newman of the NFL.

Minnesota Vikings: Alan Page
All kinds of good stuff here: Page was a terror on the field, he hails back to the Vikings' glory days (they made 4 Super Bowls in the '70s!  4!), and you get the cool throwback novelty of a pass rusher wearing number 88.  Plus he now serves on the Minnesota Supreme Court.  This one's a slam dunk.

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons: Jessie Tuggle
Deion Sanders and Claude Humphrey are the only Hall of Famers who spent substantial time with Atlanta.  How sad is that?  Plus Deion only played with them for 4 seasons and is now a TV personality who could charitably be described as...colorful.  In a weak field, Tuggle wins out for having a cool name and leading the league in tackles for the '90s.

Carolina Panthers: Sam Mills
He only played for the team for three seasons, but it's hard to resist the story of a 5'9" undrafted linebacker who helped lead a young expansion franchise to the NFC title game.

New Orleans Saints: Steve Gleason
The Jim Mora era offers some options, but why not promote ALS awareness even after it was cool?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Hardy Nickerson
Only the creamsicle jersey is acceptable.

NFC West

Arizona Cardinals: Aeneas Williams
Not a lot of options from the Arizona days.  Plus he's a minister now.  There's no way he'll commit some heinous act.  Right?

San Francisco 49ers: Joe Montana
You were thinking maybe Terrell Owens?

Seattle Seahawks: Cortez Kennedy
Steve Largent is the obvious pick, but he's a former politician.  Get his jersey and he's liable to run again and land in a sex scandal.  Kennedy was one of the greatest defensive tackles of all time.

St. Louis Rams: Marshall Faulk
Bitterly disappointing that Jack Youngblood played in LA, not St. Louis.  You'll have to settle for one of the greatest running backs of all time.

AFC East

Buffalo Bills: Jim Kelly
He made it to 4 Super Bowls and beat cancer.  Done.

Miami Dolphins: Larry Csonka
Say, did you know the '72 Dolphins are only team to go undefeated?  Anyway, Csonka is a cool name.

New England Patriots: Troy Brown
He represents the Pats' glory years and is retired, which means he can't be traded by Bill Belichick for wanting a raise.

New York Jets: Joe Klecko
Mark Gastineau has a good case based on on-the-field performance, but he's committed several felonies and his daughters were on a reality show.  Read: stay away.  Anyway, Klecko is a good football name.  Gastineau sounds more like a chef.

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens: Ed Reed
One of the coolest guys to play the game.

Cincinnati Bengals: Cris Collinsworth
The rare ex-player who has distinguished himself in the broadcast booth.

Cleveland Browns: Otto Graham
Jim Brown is the obvious pick, but he's become a bit of a crotchety old man.  Graham won seven titles.  Seven.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Joe Greene
It's weird to even type his name without putting "mean" in front of it.  That's how cool he was.

AFC South

Houston Texans: Andre Johnson
Yeah, I'm violating the rules here.  Who do you want me to say?  David Carr?

Indianapolis Colts: Jeff Saturday
You celebrate the Peyton Manning Era while avoiding the uncomfortable fact that you're now rooting to beat Peyton Manning.

Jacksonville Jaguars: Tony Boselli
Some franchises have too many good options to choose from.  This is not one of them.

Tennessee Titans: Bruce Matthews
It would be nice to have the option of a Houston Oilers jersey.  That would give you a cool throwback look, plus a can't-lose choice between Warren Moon and Earl Campbell.  But you want to represent Tennessee, not Houston.  So why not have the best of both worlds?  Matthews was one of the greatest offensive lineman of all time, plus he played in both towns, so you can go with a Houston uni.

AFC West

Denver Broncos: John Elway
In the Orange Crush jersey, not today's tasteful, Nike-approved snoozers.

Kansas City Chiefs: Derrick Thomas
Honors the memory of one the NFL's greatest pass rushers, who died way too soon.

Oakland Raiders: Ken Stabler
Hearkens back to a time when Al Davis was not a punchline.

San Diego Chargers: Kellen Winslow
The Air Coryell Era offers a few options.  Winslow stands out because he wasn't just great--he was one of the greatest at his position ever.